I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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