the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
