In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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