I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
