you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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