They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
