I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
