Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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