So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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