apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
