you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
