If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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