There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She even gives head with a lisp.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
