What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
