Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im six kinds of drunk right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
