you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Randomize
