do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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