community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
