Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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