Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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