I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
