Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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