It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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