she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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