Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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