Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Someone came in the potted fern
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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