He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
