how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
