We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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