yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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