smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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