and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this hospital has no fireball
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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