Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
