Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
