he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
