That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
