i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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