Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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