My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's blow job season.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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