Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
