Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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