She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
