Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
