I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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