I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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