last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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