i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
