the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
