He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
