Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
did i walk over a car last night?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
